I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
BRING THE BAGELS
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