Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When did we convert life to cartoon?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
