He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
