Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
