He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
