I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
