I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
