There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
