I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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