the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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