genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
