I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
