this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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