The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
4 words: hood of his car
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
