Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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