Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
