I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
