I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
