I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
