My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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