but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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