dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
