I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
