i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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