I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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