Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
