I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
