Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
do herpes really smell.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need a burrito and a hug.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
