Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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