I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
