yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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