I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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