I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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