You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
