apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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