i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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