my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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