I just pynch a tree in the face
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
