It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
