We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
