I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
