I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
