Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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