I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
this is an emotional support booty call
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
