Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
