You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
