Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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