he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
