I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
