I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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